To protect the innocent (and guilty) the following took place in a land far far away, long long ago. ;) it DID, FAR FAR AWAY LONG LONG AGO, SO......
So, I've had a few doctors appointments lately, well, long long ago.... nothing serious just the general, YOU ARE OVER 50 NOW, WE SHALL TORTURE YOU WITH ALL TYPES OF HUMILIATION AND PAINFUL 'POKES' WITH NEEDLES AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE.'
Okay, so yep, I go to the doctor right? Yes, I do. I go, and they check my blood pressure and my temp, and then hand me a 'cup' with a lid and my name scrawled across the label stating is was URINE on it. (GREAT idea, someone might mistake it for apple juice and drink it right, or better yet, beer!)
The 'nurse' points me in the direction of the bathroom, and off I go. I open the door, I do what you are thinking I'm going to do, then I open the stainless steal little door above the toilet and leave my apple juice twin on the paper towel.
Humiliation follows when I close the door, and hear it open on the other side and think to myself " Self, you should have left a treat in there, a candy bar, a little something ......I bet they get tired of reaching in for the.....piddle. Next time.
So, I'm done, hands washed, toilet flushed on 'get up' (thank God it's after you get up, cuz I swear if you were still sitting there, DOWN.YOU.GO. Sounds so 'suctiony'. Not a word, I made it up, but it works.
OKAY then: I check my 'fly' (what the heck? FLY?) making sure it's up, and (it's so embarrassing to come out of there, pants gaping, pink panties showing and you don't know it an NO one is gonna tell you) (I tell people, I just say 'Zip Zip'. I get a lot of odd looks. AND no I do not know WHY I look for that. (Everyplace I go.....I'll be watching .....whoever)
So back to the story at hand. I turn the knob, open the door, switch the little sign by the door to 'open', laugh a little, check my fly, and then see this sandy haired little guy in baggy shorts and a Superman shirt on staring up at me. He was probably 4 or so, But then, at my age, he could have be 14, who knows right?
'Hi'. (boy)
'Hi back' (me)
I admire his bed head and his adorable 'grown up but miniature' sandals, on the wrong feet of course, and go take a set where I was told, so I can then be called for another test.
The boy sits down beside me in this 'miniature' waiting area. He has to climb onto the chair and when his behind is in place, he's swinging his cute sandals back or forth, and kicking the leg on my chair. (Very irritating btw)
Boy: 'What YU name?'
Me: 'Ah, Linda'.
Boy: 'Ah?' Dad says 'AH' means yu nut so sewer'. (sure, I think?)
Me: 'I'm sorry, I'm totally sure, it's Linda'.
Boy: "Good.''
He looks me over pretty good. IN that 'who's Gramma is she' kind of way.
Boy: '' You just cumb outa dat woom didn't ya' Statement not question.
Me seeing he's looking at the 'leave your sample bathroom door'.
'Yep'.
'So now ya are goona hab a baby.'' Statement again.
ME: '' HA?????"
"Why yu yooking at me yike dat, YU GOONA HAB A BABY"
"No, don't think so.''
"Yep, yar."
I looked at him, deep into his greenish blueish brownish eyes, thinking.....well....thinking a lot of things but mostly, "Where is your mom?"
Boy: "She's got da baby in wif da ducktor.''
Me: 'Ohhhhh, okay.''
Boy: ''So yu goona hab a baby yike my mom"
"Why do you think I'm going to have a baby?'
Cuz when yas go inta dat woom, DA WOOM, and you get a baby put in yu tummy to gwo and make ya fat and den wun day dat baby faws owet. DATS a bad day". He's frowinig his cuteness into a pained look.
Me: 'Ha?"
"ya, dats how my momma getted her baby, in dat woom. Den when it wanna to faw owet, she went to anudda woom, but day dint yet me go in DAT WOOM."
Shakes head and holds his hand out: 'Da noose said I be too yittle and my auntie got stuck wif me''. Said with So.Much.Disgust! "We played lego's. FOR.TWO HUNWED. HOURS.''
I'm thinking.......'poor auntie'.
But he is cute. Cuteness overrode the irritation and this was starting to become funny. I was glad I had just done what I did, or I think I might have in my pants!I looked down the hall with a desperate 'rescue me' silent scream.
"Whut ya goona name ya baby?''
"Not sure"
"DAT IS A DUMB NAME YADY" Again, disgusted tone of voice.
I look at him and notice the stunned look on his face. I bit my tongue so I wouldn't bust a really wall cracking laugh.
"Ya know, you are correct. What did you name your baby?"
'I dint. I wanna to, but my momma dint yike da name Spiderman, so she nameded da baby."
'And what did she name the baby?''
" Cootie Pie, and Seety Pie and OOOOOOH'' (you, reading this...the OOOOOH is said with a low, smart a$$ voice btw) OOOOOOOOOOOOOH.
I sensed a little jealousy here.
"Nice names and LOTS of them"
"Sood be Spiderman"
"So the baby is a boy?"
"It was. Den i' tale falled off. Dat's why we be hair"
"Tail fell OFF?"
I must have looked alarmed, but in reality, I had a pretty good idea of what he meant and was again biting my tongue to stifle the laughter.
"yep, falled wite off, NOW, NOW....NOW da baby is a GEWEL''
He sounded SO disgusted: "Wears PINK, can ya beyeave it? PINK shoes, pink shirt pink pink pink........(trailing off to : 'stink stink stink"....in a sing songy voice)
Me: "ya, pink is, just really .....pink isn't it?'
Boy: 'WELL yaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Pink aint gween. Oh MAN."
Geez, okay. Hoping this was the end.
"So when ya goona hab ya baby?'
"Not sure" (not going into THAT with this strong headed cutie pie boy)
Oh crap, he had a look of horror on his face:
"Well den, good yuck wif DAT, it might yust fall outa ya and hit da for, unyes the door dunt open."
"The door?"
He looks up at me like I'm from another very frightening planet.
"YA DA DOOR,..... DUNT YA GOT INNY UDDER BABY YET?"
Though this one over realizing I could end this shortly or dive into an in depth forced explanation of why I 'dunt hab a baby'.
"No, no baby" (It's the truth, my kids are grown, but I didn't mention it.)
"Yu in fur sum big tubble'. His eyes were slits on his face now.
"Baby cwy, baby pook, baby does stinky IN it's pants, IN IT"S PANTS, and sum ob da time, ya be at da store, and P.U. BIG TIME. Dats tubble, stinky tubble'.
"Yep, sure sounds like it!"
Looks at me rather confused: "SOUNDS? No yady, what ya name agin? Neba mind .... No.....no sounds, STINK go to ya nose (he points to mine) nut ya flaps" he touched his ear.
Flaps ha? Okay then. (first time he had uddered an clear L sound)
"Oh, oh....ya right."
I look down the hall for a rescue team. No one.
He swing his feet back and forth, still kicking my chair.
"I had a dea."
"What's that?"
"I gib yu da baby fum my momma, and if ya git a boy baby, ya gib it to me, but ya gotta call it Spiderman"
Oh boy. I can't think of a response and consider bolting out of this place.
Then, a voice: "Teddy" (not his real name, actually I think his real name is Superman) (or the same name as the donkey on Shrek)
"Teddddyyyyyyyyyyyyy, WHERE ARE YOU?"
(DO.NOT.LEAVE.HIM.WITH.ME)
I look at the potential 'Teddy' "That you?"
"Yep".
"Someone wants you, is that your mom?"
"Yep''.
"You better go"
"Nope''
"I think so, she might be worried'.
"Nut goin' till I fine out if da baby get its tail back".
A young woman rounds the corner.She has a baby in a carrier. (PINK)
"Oh, no, no. Teddy, what are you doing?" She turns to me:
"Did he tell you the tail fell off?"
"Yep" I smiled.
Her face turned so read I thought she might pass out.
"Don't worry, I had kids this age once." I try to make her feel less stupid than I KNOW she feels.
I turn and look at the boy.
"Well, Teddy, it was nice talking with you"
" WEELY?"
(well, no, but....) "YES, for sure!"
He hops off his chair and turns and looks me straight in the eye:
"DUNT FOGIT DA DEYAL"
"Spiderman for Sweety Pie?"
"YAAAAAAAAAAA, an dunt TELL my momma, shhhhhhhhhh" his finger is over his mouth.
His mom looks confused.
"Don't worry, it's all good. Nice kid!"
She looked from me to him to Sweetie Pie, grabbed Teddy's had and let out a sigh and I heard her say as she walked out of sight "Did you try to give Katy away AGAIN?"
'' Neba. No neba. Is da tail fixeded?"
That was the last I saw of them.
THEN they called my name........
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