THE RAPMAT ART PROJECT, So Far

The RAPMAT ART PROJECT (Really awesome people making art together) is coming together amazingly well. 
  I had few doubts that it would when I decided to reopen this chapter in my life.  I had few doubts that those who participate would enjoy it, and find that inner artist if it hadn't already been discovered.  I went into this, like I often do, with few reservations, and few worries.
  I also went into it a little 'rusty' and unorganized. That caused a few problems of 'what color here', little things like that. No real big problems, other than the fact that the one who messed her pieces up  the most and used the wrong colors was..........me. Ya, I did. I admit it. I can fix it. I will, eventually.
   At this point, July 31, 2014, I have the pieces temporarily hanging on my wall, in the order they 'come together'. I have to admit, I anxiously await the mail each day to see what surprises I will find. Those pieces that have come back have been, over the top, totally beautiful and amazing! 
 Some examples"

  Amazing. Aren't they?  So what is this thing called RAPMAT ART PROJECT?  Simply put, I did a drawing, I cut it up into 48 3x3 inch squares. I then asked for volunteers to paint/color/ what ever, these pieces.  The response was amazing, and I actually had to 'close' the call for participants. 
  . Some never have done 'art' since it was required in High School or earlier. All, so far, have been amazing! Amazing to the point of breathtaking. I know in that deep place in my heart of hearts, all will amaze me, and.... on many different levels, they all move me.
  Here is a sample of what this started out as, on my kitchen floor!! 
This is the current piece we are working on.  Before cutting. And of course temptation to paint got the best of me!
  

 This is the next project. Tulips. Very colorful and fun. Going in the mail soon! My husband calls these 'puzzles'. Well, didn't really like that at first, but in it's own way, it is a bit of a puzzle, and what puzzles most people is what the heck I am doing and how will this work with people all over the US painting pieces and not seeing anyone else's. 

 More amazing pieces that are on there way or have come in:

 I apologize for not having everyone's name on their photo's. (and not everyone's are here, so sorry) It's been a long day, so I'll plead for your forgiveness on this one and next time....I'll shout your name from the roof top.
  So if you are a participant, you have seen the results of these coming together as one. If not...I could show you. And, I will.
You've seen the original drawing, as I have it here again. Then it got cut, and pieces mailed. A couple weeks into the project, I had what you see in the second photo. Yes, I had a few pieces in the wrong places, and mine still isn't done! Doesn't look like much yet right?

     Then more pieces arrived. I was floored as I opened each envelope and saw the pieces. Amazing work. Beautiful without exception.  I was thrilled. What I have to date is the photo below. Didn't manage to photograph the entire piece, what's up with that, not sure. However I did manage to get the most 'filled' areas in the photo. HOW BEAUTIFUL IS THIS?
  Are you totally shocked that it IS A PICTURE?  AMAZING isn't it? BEAUTIFUL beyond words!!!!    I just go 'ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh'.

  I have to admit, I spend a lot of time just looking at it. To this day, after many many of these done, I am still amazed that it works, and that it came out of MY brain. Normally that would be called disaster. I mean, c'mon, at least I can admit it right?  Some of my idea's are far less than 'normal'. However from the first one, over 20 years ago, I have never seen one that didn't 'work'.
  It's so neat. People from Washington, Maine, California, Wisconsin, Florida, Iowa, people from all over the US are doing this. Some, yes, some are done 'live'. RAPMAT ART PARTY'S. Those are sometimes wedding showers, bachelorette parties, even baby showers. (or just for fun, who needs a reason to create, and maybe have a little glass of wine!)  Then the 'bride to be' or the 'mom to be' goes home with the piece after a fun night of creating with friends. (There is a very secret one getting started soon, but more on that another day, as, it is a secret!)
    So yes, RAPMAT ART PROJECT is less than normal, but so stinkin' much fun. No color guide showing colors to use was given. Only R, R/O, Y, B, which is red, red/orange, yellow, black, and of course the green areas had a G. (so technical eh?)  (Next one is a little more.............thought out!)
     So I wait anxiously for the pieces to come in as this is just so exciting for me. And..I hope for those participating and following the project.
   The thing is, the thing that I love about this, is that no one is looking at others art pieces (until I post pictures, which I don't believe has made and 'creative differences' in what people do. ) It just works. It works across borders and miles, across the country. It works because of a dedication to a project that will be donated to a hospital, in this case.
   Many are donated for a particular reason, in memory of someone. In honor of someone. Because that particular 'place' made a huge impact on someone's life. OR, other's have been put in schools to encourage art, and some have been done at schools with kids who really didn't want to do art.
  They did.
  It turned out amazing.
 The felt amazing, as it was something they could get immediate gratification from. The result of a beautiful piece had their name on it, and it unites people.  Brings them together for a common reason.  I did one, years ago, in a 'professional setting'. People of all levels from gals who answered phones, to people who made top decisions came together and did something together. Most never having contact with the others, or a quick 'hello' in a hallway.
  It unites people.
  We are all normal  (well, with the exception of you know who!!!) Normal, everyday people, from all walks of life, I know very little about income levels, if they shop at Walmart, or Macy's, or someplace I don't know of as...I'm a Walmart girl!
  This takes those things and sets them aside and....it brings people together. Even if it's for a brief moment, people of all walks of life are united. United in art.
Art heals.
Art inspires.
Art speaks.
Art is IMPORTANT.
Art is life, and for many, life is art.
Art bonds us. Beauty bonds us.
  I am looking forward to this one coming together as one piece, finished and framed. More on the 'donation' later.
  I am looking forward to the next pieces getting started and I'm already anxious to see THOSE end results. It never bores me, it never stops amazing me.
  I am just so thrilled I have found people willing to give of their time, and talent, to come together for the simple reason of creating a piece of art.
  I thank every single person for that!!! (Names are not mentioned as I have not asked permission to write about them, so I won't, until I have permission)
  Thank you for making my life so much better. This is totally a healing  project for me.
  Going back to art was a tough one, for personal reasons. All these people have made is SIMPLY AMAZING AND I AM SO ADDICTED TO ART ONCE AGAIN.
  (yep, I wrote it, I tried to proof read, I already know what it says, so that doesn't work for me, and it bored me to read it..oh oh. Forgive my mistakes please)
      Live, Laugh, and LOVE TO CREATE!

Baby Day, 23 Years Later

OK.....rundown: labor ALL day 23 years ago. I left work early, then called my publisher and told him to get the sub editor there as I felt to crappy to come back until after I had the baby. (due date was 4 more weeks) So.....I layed on the couch with THE WORST BACKACHE EVER....and complained. I finally went to bed at 11pm and at 11:15 pm I was like OH GEEZ I WET THE BED. NO. My water BROKE. (this is why you GO to those classes, I didn't go to)
. I was in LABOR all that time, first baby...thought labor was in THE FRONT. oops. THE DADDY....had to take a shower, and SHAVE.......shave, really? He did. OMG...I was almost dying I was in so much pain and he.took.a.shower.and.shaved. i coulda walked to the hospital. However....they had blacktopped our parking lot and our truck was down the street (and we lived on the second story of an apartment building) So....he is all fired up, terrified, goofy, thinkin like a man....and said (omg, this still makes me laugh out loud) he didn't say that....he said............'Lin...DO NOT go down the steps'. I asked why. He said "The baby might FALL OUT". I said: (squint your eyes here and stick your head out like a chicken....) I said.............'FALL, FALL? FALL OUT? ARE YOU SERIOUS? FALL.OUT?'
(I was NOT laughing then) He said "OF COURSE I AM''. OMG. Then...he said....'Don't move, I'll get the truck.' He left. he came back...I'm bent over the couch trying not to rip the sucker (couch not man) in half SO MUCH PAIN) He came in the door and said "WHERE IS THE (nasty word) TRUCK?''. me: Ah....Hon, it's down the street REEEEEEEEEEEMEEEEEEEMBERRRRRRRRRR.......RE.MEM.BBBBERRRR. ??????? So soon to be DADDY say...'Oh....ya...right. Ah, ya. Okay.". (I'm ready to pick up the couch and toss it at him) He says..."DO NOT MOVE". (I'm a beached whale and you are worried about me moving????? ) HOWEVER.....10 minutes went by and NO DADDY MAN.........so....I walked down the steps to the first floor and went outside looking for the crazed man.....so there he is....sort of just standing there. "Where have you been?"
Me: WaITiNG FOR YOU''.
HIM: 'I TOLD YOU NOT to WALK down the STAIRS'.
Me: It's okay, go to the top, pick up the babies (ha ha) and LETS TAKE THEM TO THE HOSPITAL''.
He almost fell over me racing to the top of the steps. OMG. I laughed so hard I was sure that baby would fall out.
He came down and gave me super dirty look and said......"Not funny".
???? It was TO ME!!!
So he helped me get my fat belly into the truck asking really strange questions I ignored and we drove the LONGEST 2 miles on earth to the hospital..........were I gave birth to a smashingly beautiful baby girl at 3 a.m. AND NOT without some very interesting and hilarious incidents. But some things are better left 'unshared'

Looking back on July 23 Years Ago. A Baby Is Born.

OK.....rundown: labor ALL day 23 years ago. I left work early, then called my publisher and told him to get the sub editor there as I felt to crappy to come back until after I had the baby. (due date was 4 more weeks) So.....I laid  on the couch with THE WORST BACKACHE EVER....and complained. I finally went to bed at 11pm and at 11:15 pm I was like OH GEEZ I WET THE BED. NO. My water BROKE. (this is why you GO to those classes, I didn't go to)
. I was in LABOR all that time, first baby...thought labor was in THE FRONT. oops. THE DADDY....had to take a shower, and SHAVE.......shave, really? He did. OMG...I was almost dying I was in so much pain and he.took.a.shower.and.shaved. i coulda walked to the hospital. However....they had blacktopped our parking lot and our truck was down the street (and we lived on the second story of an apartment building) So....he is all fired up, terrified, goofy, thinkin like a man....and said (omg, this still makes me laugh out loud) he didn't say that....he said............'Lin...DO NOT go down the steps'. I asked why. He said "The baby might FALL OUT". I said: (squint your eyes here and stick your head out like a chicken....) I said.............'FALL, FALL? FALL OUT? ARE YOU SERIOUS? FALL.OUT?'
(I was NOT laughing then) He said "OF COURSE I AM''. OMG. Then...he said....'Don't move, I'll get the truck.' He left. he came back...I'm bent over the couch trying not to rip the sucker (couch not man) in half SO MUCH PAIN) He came in the door and said "WHERE IS THE (nasty word) TRUCK?''. me: Ah....Hon, it's down the street REEEEEEEEEEEMEEEEEEEMBERRRRRRRRRR.......RE.MEM.BBBBERRRR. ??????? So soon to be DADDY say...'Oh....ya...right. Ah, ya. Okay.". (I'm ready to pick up the couch and toss it at him) He says..."DO NOT MOVE". (I'm a beached whale and you are worried about me moving????? ) HOWEVER.....10 minutes went by and NO DADDY MAN.........so....I walked down the steps to the first floor and went outside looking for the crazed man.....so there he is....sort of just standing there. "Where have you been?"
Me: WaITiNG FOR YOU''.
HIM: 'I TOLD YOU NOT to WALK down the STAIRS'.
Me: It's okay, go to the top, pick up the babies (ha ha) and LETS TAKE THEM TO THE HOSPITAL''.
He almost fell over me racing to the top of the steps. OMG. I laughed so hard I was sure that baby would fall out.
He came down and gave me super dirty look and said......"Not funny".
???? It was TO ME!!!
So he helped me get my fat belly into the truck asking really strange questions I ignored and we drove the LONGEST 2 miles on earth to the hospital..........were I gave birth to a smashingly beautiful baby girl at 3 a.m. AND NOT without some very interesting and hilarious incidents. But some things are better left 'unshared'

RAPMAT. Be Confident. (a sermon)

 

The temporally name RAPMAT project is under way and pieces have begun to appear on my FB page and on the mail. I'll be on my way to putting it back together so soon!!!!!
  However, I have a fear.
   My fear is that some will see others pieces and thing "NO WAY AM I DOING THIS". (admitting  guilt: I've seen a few and thought that myself!!!!) TRUE story.
So, that, I know, is going to be a problem for some who are not practicing artists or have no art experience at all. Many who jumped in on this project are very seasoned artists. Many (most) are not.  THAT.IS.THE.POINT.::::: a mix of people from all over the country, people who don't even know each other, coming together in all levels of talent to make ONE.MARVELOUS.AWESOME.AMAZING.PIECE.OF.ART.
There is no right or wrong, there is no 'I'm the best artist' or 'I'm not an artist'.
Many of my artists friends would head bang you if they heard you say 'I am not an artist' because: EVERYONE IS AN ARTIST. We all just have different pallets. So you are an amazing cook....you are an artist. I am the worlds crappiest cook, but I try.....and I'm not the worlds best artist but I try.
How you render your piece is up to you, simple or va voom....doesn't matter.
What matters is that you do it, that WE cross borders/state lines/PATHS and make on big awesome piece of art.
What matter is that YOU are jumping in with both feet (or hands) and doing it.
NO ONE cares if it's totally a masterpiece or you took crayons and colored it in. (I did, now I'm going...O>M>G....I need to redo. NO, NO redo's. I a sticken with my crayola pics and that's that.
This is not a contest, this is not about who is great at art....cuz everyone is great at art, you just have to tap in to it. True story.
  if you do not believe me, book a live RAPMAT and I'll prove you so so so stinkin wrong within 10 minutes......and I'm not nice about it. (kidding, I'm a sweet heart) WELL, wouldn't go THAT far....but no...I'd just say....'ah....how bout we, wait gotta put down my wine bottle....ok, why don't we just add a touch of blue here?"  No..kidding about the wine bottle. I wouldn't put it down!!!!!!!!!!!!!
so, smart mouth that I am, (incredibly smart so she thinks right?) lol. SO......get off your sorry horse and get on your super hero horse and go.for.it. and don't look at others pieces, be PROUD of yours cuz this is only the beginning............and I need you all.
I.NEED.YOU.ALL.TO.DO.THIS.AND.BE.PROUD.OF.IT.
got that?
Okay then, get those babies in the mail, I'm so excited, that I just can't stand it.....
Everyone is going to be Over the top, Out of the ballpark (went to get a beer didn't you? jk)  AMAZING. So onward and upward in this project. Tap your creative soul ...............or call me. <3    

Linda Aspenson Bergstrom HWY 53 N., Linda Originals, LA BASICS: The RAPMAT Art Proj...

Linda Aspenson Bergstrom HWY 53 N., Linda Originals, LA BASICS:                                The RAPMAT Art Proj...:                                The RAPMAT Art Project                                                                                  ...

                               The RAPMAT Art Project

                                               

                                                        July 2014

So the RAPMAT (Really Awesome People Making Art Together) Art Project is about the get off he ground, or more honestly, about the get off my drawing table and into the mail .......

   So what's this all about? The daring, the 'threatened' (just kidding, kind of) and the adventures and willing spirits know. Maybe, not sure, so here is a little bit on RAPMAT.

  It's not new...I have done it...long long ago and far far way in a life time I care not to revisit but RAGMAT WAS amazingly fun!

  I do a picture, in this case a drawing of Poppies on 140 pound cold press paper. (that's another word for THICK, stiff etc)  

  I then....cut up the drawing into 3x3'' squares. 

  I then color code each portion of the square as none is a complete piece on it's own, and many people are getting pieces.....I'm sending to 22 people for this project. I actually had to 'close' it and could not take any more people as they would not be enough to got around. (sad) BuT...another one is coming.......

Anyway, yes..I color code, as even if you get two or three, they will NOT go side by side...(yep, I'm mean) SO, if it says R, that means RED. R/O= red orange, B=black, G=green, Blue, you guessed it! W=white, Y= yellow.    Now your are thinking, WHAT color RED (yes...there are like 4 bazillion 'reds', go check a crayon box....poor kids.....RED should be RED in crayons...until, like...college or sumthin right? 

So, use YOUR fave red, might not be a 'perfect' match but just wait, you WILL be amazed at how this turns out. (HOPEFULLY)   

   A few tips:      

 Yes I am using crayons here. You can use anything you want other than pastels, chalk and PLEASE..no glitter...these things don't have staying power. Top pic is bad but it shows you I a blending blue into my green, as the lines that are the stems...the'll be obvious to you, are lighter (or should be..maybe) and the back ground needs to be a big darker....but this is your piece so do what ever you want.

                                           Here I am doing a Red/Orange Poppies and am blending red marker into my yellow and red crayon coloring. (crayons are fun and they SMELL SO GOOD!!!!) I used to eat 'em. Ya, so did my daughter. Well, enough about that. OH..we were babies when we ate them) Okay, enough....about THAT.  I used the crayon as it was more of an 'easy' example and one of those things the 'not so often' artist might just happen to have!  (and I love em okay?)  Cool thing? they blend well by using a lighter color, and they also blend and get shiny if you rub the with a tissue. I get all happy happy happy when that happens. (Yep, you guessed it, I am SO easily entertained.....that's good considerating...okay, that is NOT a word. BUT...I kinda like it...so guess what..it is now a word. True story. ha. Anyway, considerating I have to entertain myself.  (IF I HAD A PUPPY....well let's not go there. So, yep I blend them. I might dab on paint, rub in some colored pencil, who knows. I might also use paint by itself, watercolor or acrylic. Oil takes to long to dry, not good for this...for me.  Crawl outside the color box and get super creative here people!!! I am challenging you, you guessed right!   So.....oh can I just stay ON TOPIC.......'Oh look, a Panda!" (some will get that some will not.   OK......back to RAPMAT......   below:

         

                                                        If you take a look at the first Poppy painting I did, and what this is based on, you see the background is dark, and on the white paper you can see my stems. Best thing to do to make those stems stand out? Make those a lighter green, then go around the lines of the flowers and stems with a sharpie or some dark pen, so it POPS..... we need to have that 'back ground' darker. using black is kind of fun, I think you'll like the results.  So......

                                                        

                                           We are basing it on the above painting. You can see that some of my 'stems' are completely dark while others are light. That is up to you. Don't worry about what the person is doing that has the piece that will go next to yours. YOURS, key word!!!

Below is the drawing before I cut it, and before I completely marked all my measurements. You can see, I couldn't stand it, I had to color. Yep....it was like dangling a carrot in front of a donkey....I just HAD to!!! Okay...back to business here:   So, you see squiggly line..those are stems, and you can see, kind of, that your piece of a poppy may very well only be 1/3 or 1/4 of THAT poppy. Interesting yet? Wondering how this is going to work. Well...you will just Have.To.Wait.And.See. :)  Love that!

                  So, I cut it up, all the pieces are being mailed off and.....you just go for it. Questions? PM me on FB.  I rarely check me email.  Or call me if you  have my number.
               Below, just the squares before I chop chopped.  And you can see how the picture is cut up so....well, it got complicated making sure every portion was color coated, but...don't worry about being completely accurate, JUST have FUN. Then send them back as I need to put this together again!!  The flowers and making them more realistic. Maybe. Hopefully. Here's a step by step guide IF you need it.

                                               Above you can see the line from the peddle, toward the other peddle.
That gives you a 3D affect, as you see below. Fun to do....Oh just you wait....till the NEXT RAPMAT!!!!! Okay..................

                                                Middle gets some dots and fun to rep a Poppy

                                           Pencil now, to show you shading. Where there are two lines together, that would be a 'peddle wave' (help me here, with a word. geez....okay, the 'top (between to lines that are close together would have MORE light hitting it, there for a lighter color..

                                           See? Below we have....depth and shape.

                                             and more....................s

             

  and here we are. Now imagine this using color....any medium.
                                   Have fun RAPMATTER!!!!!!!!!!!
cannot WAIT TO POST THE END RESULT!!!

Waiting Room Conversation (and how to have a baby)

  To protect the innocent (and guilty) the following took place in a land far far away, long long ago. ;)           it DID, FAR FAR AWAY LONG LONG AGO, SO......
    So, I've had a few doctors appointments lately, well, long long ago.... nothing serious just the general, YOU ARE OVER 50 NOW, WE SHALL TORTURE YOU WITH ALL TYPES OF HUMILIATION AND PAINFUL 'POKES' WITH NEEDLES AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE.'
  Okay, so yep, I go to the doctor right? Yes, I do. I go, and they check my blood pressure and my temp, and then hand me a 'cup' with a lid and my name scrawled across the label stating is was URINE on it. (GREAT idea, someone might mistake it for apple juice and drink it right, or better yet, beer!)
  The 'nurse' points me in the direction of the bathroom, and off I go. I open the door, I do what you are thinking I'm going to do, then I open the stainless steal little  door above the toilet and leave my apple juice twin on the paper towel.
Humiliation follows when I close the door, and  hear it open on the other side and think to myself " Self, you should have left a treat in there, a candy bar, a little something ......I bet they get tired of reaching in for the.....piddle.  Next time.
    So, I'm done, hands washed, toilet flushed on 'get up' (thank God it's after you get up, cuz I swear if you were still sitting there, DOWN.YOU.GO. Sounds so 'suctiony'.   Not a word, I made it up, but it works.
  OKAY then: I check my 'fly' (what the heck? FLY?) making sure it's up, and (it's so embarrassing to come out of there, pants gaping, pink panties showing and you don't know it an NO one is gonna tell you) (I tell people, I just say 'Zip Zip'. I get a lot of odd looks. AND no I do not know WHY I  look for that. (Everyplace I go.....I'll be watching .....whoever)
   So back to the story at hand. I turn the knob, open the door, switch the little sign by the door to 'open', laugh a little, check my fly, and then see this sandy haired little guy in baggy shorts and a Superman shirt on staring up at me. He was probably 4 or so, But then, at my age, he could have be 14, who knows right?
  'Hi'. (boy)
  'Hi back' (me)
  I admire his bed head and his adorable 'grown up but miniature' sandals, on the wrong feet of course, and go take a set where I was told, so I can then be called for another test.
  The boy sits down beside me in this 'miniature' waiting area. He has to climb onto the chair and when his behind is in place, he's swinging his cute sandals back or forth, and kicking the leg on my chair. (Very irritating btw)
  Boy: 'What YU name?'
  Me:  'Ah, Linda'.
 Boy: 'Ah?' Dad says 'AH' means yu nut so sewer'. (sure, I think?)
 Me: 'I'm sorry, I'm totally sure, it's Linda'.
 Boy: "Good.''
        He looks me over pretty good. IN  that 'who's Gramma is she' kind of way.
  Boy: '' You just cumb outa dat woom didn't ya' Statement not question.
 Me seeing he's looking at the 'leave your sample bathroom door'.
 'Yep'.
 'So now ya are goona hab a baby.''  Statement again.
 ME: '' HA?????"
 "Why yu yooking at me yike dat, YU GOONA HAB A BABY"
  "No, don't think so.''
  "Yep, yar."
  I looked at him, deep into his greenish blueish brownish eyes, thinking.....well....thinking a lot of things but mostly, "Where is  your mom?"
Boy: "She's got da baby in wif da ducktor.''
Me: 'Ohhhhh, okay.''
Boy:  ''So yu goona hab a baby yike my mom"
"Why do you think I'm going to have a baby?'
Cuz when yas go inta dat woom, DA WOOM, and you get a baby put in yu tummy to gwo and make ya fat and den wun day  dat baby faws owet. DATS a bad day". He's frowinig his cuteness into a pained look.
Me: 'Ha?"
"ya, dats how my momma getted her baby, in dat woom. Den when it wanna to faw owet, she went to anudda woom, but day dint yet me go in DAT WOOM."
     Shakes head and holds his hand out: 'Da noose said I be too yittle and my auntie got stuck wif me''.  Said with So.Much.Disgust!  "We played lego's. FOR.TWO HUNWED. HOURS.''
I'm thinking.......'poor auntie'.
   But he is cute. Cuteness overrode the irritation and this was starting to become funny. I was glad I had just done what I did, or I think I might have in my pants!I looked down the hall with a desperate 'rescue me' silent scream.
 "Whut ya goona name ya baby?''
 "Not sure"
 "DAT IS A DUMB NAME YADY" Again, disgusted tone of voice.
  I  look at him and notice the stunned look on his face. I bit my tongue so I wouldn't bust a really wall cracking laugh.
 "Ya know, you are correct. What did you name your baby?"
 'I dint. I wanna to, but my momma dint yike da name Spiderman, so she nameded da baby."
 'And what did she name the baby?''
 " Cootie Pie, and Seety Pie and OOOOOOH'' (you, reading this...the OOOOOH is said with a low, smart a$$ voice btw) OOOOOOOOOOOOOH.
 I sensed a little jealousy here.
 "Nice names and LOTS of them"
 "Sood be Spiderman"
"So the baby is a boy?"
"It was. Den i' tale falled off. Dat's why we be hair"
"Tail fell OFF?"
   I must have looked alarmed, but in reality, I had a pretty good idea of what he meant and was again biting my tongue to stifle the laughter.
"yep, falled wite off, NOW, NOW....NOW da baby is a GEWEL''
  He sounded SO disgusted: "Wears PINK, can ya beyeave it? PINK shoes, pink shirt pink pink pink........(trailing off to : 'stink stink stink"....in a sing songy voice)
 Me: "ya, pink is, just really .....pink isn't it?'
Boy: 'WELL yaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Pink aint gween. Oh MAN."
Geez, okay. Hoping this was the end.
"So when ya goona hab ya baby?'
"Not sure"  (not going into THAT with this strong headed cutie pie boy)
Oh crap, he had a look of horror on his face:
 "Well den, good yuck wif DAT, it might yust fall outa ya and hit da for, unyes the door dunt open."
"The door?"
 He looks up at me like I'm from another very frightening planet.
"YA DA DOOR,..... DUNT YA GOT INNY UDDER BABY YET?"
 Though this one over realizing I could end this shortly or dive into an in depth forced explanation of why I 'dunt hab a baby'.
 "No, no baby" (It's the truth, my kids are grown, but I didn't mention it.)
 "Yu in fur sum big tubble'. His eyes were slits on his face now.
  "Baby cwy, baby pook, baby does stinky IN it's pants, IN IT"S PANTS, and sum ob da time, ya be at da store, and P.U. BIG TIME. Dats tubble, stinky tubble'.
"Yep, sure sounds like it!"
 Looks at me rather confused: "SOUNDS? No yady, what ya name agin? Neba mind .... No.....no sounds, STINK go to ya nose (he points to mine) nut ya flaps" he touched his ear.
  Flaps ha? Okay then. (first time he had uddered an clear L sound)
"Oh, oh....ya right."
I look down the hall for a rescue team. No one.
He swing his feet back and forth, still kicking my chair.
"I had a dea."
 "What's that?"
"I gib yu da baby fum my momma, and if ya git a boy baby, ya gib it to me, but ya gotta call it Spiderman"
Oh boy. I can't think of a response and consider bolting out of this place.
 Then, a voice: "Teddy" (not his real name, actually I think his real name is Superman) (or the same name as the donkey on Shrek)
 "Teddddyyyyyyyyyyyyy, WHERE ARE YOU?"
 (DO.NOT.LEAVE.HIM.WITH.ME)
 I look at the potential 'Teddy' "That you?"
"Yep".
"Someone wants you, is that your mom?"
"Yep''.
"You better go"
"Nope''
"I think so, she might be worried'.
"Nut goin' till I fine out if da baby get its tail back".
A young woman rounds the corner.She has a baby in a carrier. (PINK)
 "Oh, no, no. Teddy, what are you doing?" She turns to me:
 "Did he tell you the tail fell off?"
  "Yep" I smiled.
  Her face turned so read I thought she might pass out.
"Don't worry, I had kids this age once." I try to make her feel less stupid than I KNOW she feels.
 I turn and look at the boy.
 "Well, Teddy, it was nice talking with you"
 " WEELY?"
 (well, no, but....) "YES, for sure!"
  He hops off his chair and turns and looks me straight in the eye:
  "DUNT FOGIT DA DEYAL"
  "Spiderman for  Sweety Pie?"
  "YAAAAAAAAAAA, an dunt TELL my momma, shhhhhhhhhh" his finger is over his mouth.
 His mom looks confused.
 "Don't worry, it's all good. Nice kid!"
 She looked from me to him to Sweetie Pie, grabbed Teddy's had and let out a sigh and I heard her say as she walked out of sight "Did you try to give Katy away AGAIN?"
'' Neba. No neba.  Is da tail fixeded?"
That was the last I saw of them.
THEN they called my name........